Relationship Rundown: Michelle Tea & MC Katastrophe

The author and hip-hop artist chat about how the couple shines in the spotlight while staying thick as thieves behind the scenes

By Jen Hazen
Published: December 8th, 2005 | 1:43pm

Even though you’re both successful in your own right, do either of you feel like “just Rocco’s girlfriend” or “just Michelle’s boyfriend”?

Michelle Tea: Yeah, at times I definitely feel like Rocco's significant other. No one in his hip-hop community knows anything about the writing I do, so if I'm with him in one of those circumstances, I'm the significant other. I honestly don't mind, though. I'm really excited about Rocco's music and I like supporting him. It's also oddly nice to just relax and let him be on stage.

Rocco Kayiatos: In the beginning of our relationship, I really felt like Michelle Tea's boyfriend. At this point we have been in each other’s lives and communities long enough that I don't feel that way so much anymore. In some of her literary circles I definitely feel it, but I don't mind so much because I am proud of her and I am proud to be her boyfriend. I like having separate space for us to shine. It is a nice balance of shining and supporting.

How did you meet, by the way?

RK: We met on the 1999 Sister Spit tour. Well, actually Sini Anderson and Michelle were judges at the 1998 Youth Poetry Slam and I think I met them that night. But we fell in love on tour. It wasn't love at first sight, because I thought she was out of my league. I was too overwhelmed and disillusioned about relationships to be looking for love. The third night of tour we started playing "the point game" which was one point for kissing, two points for a feel-up and three points for "your own feminist definition of sex."

I was determined to win because I was 19 and fresh into the queer community. I kissed all the people I was traveling with and when I kissed Michelle I knew that that is how I wanted to kiss for the rest of eternity.

MT: Um, yeah, everything he just said. I met him at the Youth Poetry Slam, which he won, and I was really excited to take him on Sister Spit. I thought he was cute on tour and he kept getting cuter. I kept finding myself flirting with him, which is weird because I actually don't flirt, but I seemed to understand how to flirt with him. It was unusual and fun. And then we made out and that was that.

Since you are both so successful, I’m sure that you receive lots of attention from fans. How does all of the attention from admirers affect your relationship?

MT: It was hard when we first hooked up, because Valencia had just come out and I was getting a lot of attention. Rocco had just sort of transitioned out of this youth poetry scene, where he was a big star, into this lezzie bar culture where no one knew who he was. So the balance was off and it was difficult.

Making it harder was how in Valencia, which is pretty clearly a memoir, I'm sort of running off and having sex with girls in cars and bathrooms and getting wasted in the book. It sort of gave the impression to ardent readers that perhaps I was only a 40-ounce of malt liquor away from fucking them under a table somewhere. It was a very strange moment. It's different now, though, because there is balance. Neither of us really trips out on the attention the other gets. I occasionally get mad that he gets invited to more Ladyfests than I do, but that's it.

RK: I'm mad about that, too!

It's true that when we first hooked up, I had a really hard time going out to places and having people come up and tell my girlfriend, while I am holding her hand, that they were planning on stalking her ... or when people would show up at the book store to give her flowers, or even just when girls would stare at her for too long. I felt very threatened. I was really young too, 19, and I didn't know how to deal with myself. Now I feel bad that I tainted that experience for her. As I get more attention and people send me weird emails, or flirt with me or write stories about wanting to do it with me, she is totally cool with it. It just makes me wish I had known how to deal a bit better.

Have any fans ever gotten a little too out of control?

MT: Well, during that weird post-Valencia moment, I had a few fan incidents — one was sweet and one was creepy. The sweet one was this totally hot, adorable girl who came into the bookstore I worked at. She brought me flowers and a note inviting me to, I shit you not, drink a 40 with her! It was so cute, but it gave me a total panic attack because Rocco and I had been having so many problems right then, about the attention I was getting. So I threw the flowers away and called the girl and just told her thank you, but I was involved with someone.

The creepy one was this girl who sent me a very detailed sort of violent sex fantasy about me involving kidnapping. It was really weird and actually scared me a little. I had to stop answering that person's emails. I always answer all my e-mails so I can inadvertently encourage people who maybe are a little crackers. I think I've gotten better at figuring out who is just nervous and maybe has poor social skills and who's a nut job.

RK: I have had a few strange fan interactions. I think generally I am pretty friendly and open with people. Sometimes I think I have just made a new friend and then I come to find out that new friend is blogging about me and posted missed connections on Craig’s List.

In general, Michelle is cool with shit. In fact, this woman wrote this erotica story about me and my music. She referred to me and my gender in some backwards way and it was going to be published, so Michelle contacted the magazine and made sure that they would not let it print without my OK.

How has having a relationship with an artist helped you in your personal endeavors as an artist?

MT: I think I have to be in a relationship with another artist. I have this really weird problem — if I'm with someone who is idle, especially if they are being idle around me, in my space, while I'm working, it makes me insane. Like, seriously. Once I was dating this girl who was so hot and she just didn't do anything; I made Sister Spit flyers and she tagged along with me to the copy shop and just sort of loitered and I was like, “Uh-uh, no way. I can't go out with this person.” It makes me anxious. I guess it's just my thing.

There was a point when Rocco was sort of transitioning from spoken word to music but didn't have the equipment he needed to really get down to business. I thought I was going to lose it. But Rocco works really hard, he works on his music every day. I know it's probably totally neurotic, but it makes me feel so happy and like all is right with the world when he's holed up in his room working on a beat. Plus, it's very glamorous to be an artist, and I want to live a glamorous life, so it's great that Rocco is always performing, traveling and getting to do cool shit.

RK: I love being an artist and being with someone who understands what it feels like to have no other options but your art. I am far less intense about it than Michelle. In fact I feel like she is part of the reason I have become so productive. She is a workaholic. It is inspiring; she does so much. She has been a great role model for me.

I moved out of my parents’ house and into hers and I am so grateful that I met her when I did. I just think that not many people have been taught that an artistic career is valid or noble or worthwhile. If you happen to be queer, or a woman, in a lot of ways you have even less access to the possibility of an artistic career. I have been so fortunate to get to see how Michelle has built her career for herself and pretty much by herself. She doesn't let anything limit her.

I really wouldn't have had a clue how to do anything. Before I could make beats for myself, I would whine that I would never be able to make the music I wanted to make because I couldn't be self-sufficient. She would always tell me that was bullshit. I could do anything I wanted to do; all I had to do was get to it. She just believes in me so much. I believe in her, too. I know she was put on the planet to change things and write stories about people who haven't had a voice yet. I love being with her. I think that we can change the world together.

Do you think that your artistic mediums compliment one another?

RK: It's helpful that she is a writer because then she can help me out with press contacts.

MT: I don't know if they compliment each other or not, but it's probably good that we don't do the same thing. I'm not very competitive, but I think that if we were both doing the same sort of work it could be more challenging. Plus, this way I get to have love songs written for me, which I really like.

photo by Lydia Daniller