Me So Horny Issue #30

A scientific experiment in aphrodisiacs

By Kelly Mellott
Published: December 1st, 2006 | 11:16am

It’s winter and you know the drill. The weather can be frightful but the fire’s so delightful. Fa la la la and so on. It’s time for all the cozying and copulating a couple can handle. But what about us single folk without a cuddle-counterpart? Are we left to freeze alone in snowy solitude?

Put away that fleece and slip into something sexy, because this girl has one word for you: aphrodisiacs. From chocolate to love potions, aphrodisiacs are a part of cultures around the world. Aphrodisiacs were precisely what I needed: something to get me in the mood, something to give me the confidence to feel desirable and be desired.

But what really works? Are there actually ways to make the opposite sex crazy for you? Can creative concoctions make your lover’s desire uncontrollable or just give them indigestion? Single and hoping, I set out to find what’s the real deal and what’s just wishful thinking—all in the name of science.

OYSTERS AND CHOCOLATE AND CHAMPAGNE, OH MY!
I started off in familiar territory with these classic aphrodisiacs. I’d had them all before but never paid close attention to any possible mood changes. The oysters came first—slimy and pink. I must admit that I’m not a big fan. As soon as I sloshed the shellfish into my mouth and down my throat, I felt, well, nothing. I found them a bit yucky, in fact. And I most definitely didn’t want anyone to kiss my sea breath and me. I washed the oysters down with champagne — bubbly and romantic (or at least that’s what they tell you in the movies). I hoped the fizz factor would get my hormones bubbling. Oh, alcohol, recognized by Shakespeare as the aphrodisiac that “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” I topped off the entire mood-enhancing meal with chocolate, the most famous aphrodisiac of all time.

Verdict: The chocolate made me happy but definitely not horny. And the oysters grossed me out. But the champagne got me ready and willing to go romping in a winter wonderland with just about anyone willing to overlook my drunken googly eyes.

SMELL THE LOVE
Pheromones are nature’s own aphrodisiac. Supposedly, the scent of pheromones is undetectable but drives the opposite sex wild with desire. Luckily for me, companies around the world are bottling up pheromones and selling them on the Internet. I chose the popular Love Scent brand and waited for my free samples to reach my mailbox. When they arrived, I followed the directions and went out for a night on the town. I couldn’t wait to watch for any responses to my very own love stench. But alas, there were no seducers — no men driven wild by my pheromonized “pulse points.”I tried on two other occasions but the experiment yielded the same results.

Verdict: I followed the directions. I should’ve been oozing “sex me” in the breeze. I was dangling my availability to every man in the room like a cartoon carrot for a cartoon donkey. But I didn’t get a single bite. Not even a nibble.

HORNY WHAT?
Goat weed. That’s right, horny goat weed. Made famous by late-night infomercials, this get-you-in-the-mood herbal remedy can be found at drug and health stores nationwide. After overcoming my embarrassment to purchase the $10 bottle (it’s located in the men’s sexual health section, right next to the impotency pills), I downed two tablets with a glass of water. By now I was slightly discouraged. Most of my experiments thus far were turning out to be duds. Here I was, ready to throw in the towel on my experiment, and wham, bam, thank you horny goat weed! I couldn’t stop thinking about doing the nasty if I wanted to. The entire day, I was on a sexual mission and let’s just say, not only does this wacky weed provoke the desire, it makes the experience well worth the hunt.

Verdict: If this stuff doesn’t work for you, you’re not in a sexual slump. You’re dead.

FANCY PANTS DANCE PUTTING ME IN A TRANCE!
This was the experiment I was most excited to try. I mean, come on, who doesn’t accept any excuse to go dancing? I was interested to see what about it, if anything, could make me want to take off my dancing shoes (and everything else). My best friend threw a big party and I’ll tell you what, we flash-danced until the sun came up. There weren’t any bedroom breaks, but trust me, that’s not to say the experiment was unsuccessful.

Verdict: The sweat. The beat. It’s all very sexual. In fact, good dancing is almost like sex standing up. It’s the give and take but it’s really all about the partner. If he or she is not your style, it probably won’t work. For me, my friend’s gay roommate wasn’t quite what I was looking for that night, but that’s the great thing about this thumbs-up aphrodisiac — even if it doesn’t work out, at least you get to dance!